“I was seventeen when the world was at my feet. I was very talented drummer and I got accepted into the conservatory of Amsterdam. Everyone wanted to collaborate with me. I was young and curious so when a friend of mine was using cocaine and heroin, I also wanted to try it. He allowed me only to use cocaine. Later on I tried heroin anyways, something I should have never done. The combination heroin and music was insane. Whenever I was high I would listen to music and everything fell right into place. I was getting more successful and I was offered a lot of gigs but with the drugs it was hard to keep up. I would use between sets which caused me to be late and unprofessional. ’‘Heroin” and “addict” were words I didn’t identify with. It took a long time before I realized that those words were what I had become. After one year of using I realized I had made a terrible mistake. I have spent 20 years of my life trying to quit. Getting clean is possible but in order to give up drugs you have to find that little tiny flame inside of you, you have to nourish it until the flame gets bigger and bigger. The urge to make good music again was my little flame. It has been a long road but now I get to play with the best jazz musicians of The Netherlands. I have gotten a second chance and i’m determined to make it work. “

“When I turned 18 I met an Englishman who had recently opened a bar. He asked me to work for him and for the first time in my life I felt that I belonged somewhere. I was working day and night but never before I had been so happy. Finally I had a purpose. After a few months a client offered me my first line of cocaine. In the next month they offered me more. I was using cocaine every night. I had no idea about the consequences of drugs. Until one night that I hadn’t been using which made me feel extremely tired. That is when I realized that I couldn’t function in the bar without drugs. One month later the bar went bankrupt and I had nowhere to go. Meanwhile I had fallen in love with a Colombian man. I was using cocaine and he was a dealer. When I lost my job he asked me if I was interested in making a trip to Colombia to smuggle drugs. I wasn’t aware of any danger, really I had no idea. I smuggled drugs for him a few times and everything went well until I got arrested in France while I was pregnant with his child. I was handcuffed to the bed while I gave birth to my daughter. The mother of my best friend picked up my daughter when she was 10 months old and adopted her. In this french prison I had no access to drugs. When I got out I was clean but I always say that when getting clean is not your own choice it doesn’t count because for you will use again. The moment I arrived in Amsterdam, drugs was the first thing on my mind. I had nowhere to go so I went straight to the “Red light district”. Slowly I started using heroin and became a prostitute.“ (2/5)

“Five years ago a colleague of mine started a project called Amsterdam Underground. It’s a project which allows ex-addicts to give a tour through the “Red light district” and to share their personal story. When I had the possibility to become a part of this project, I didn’t hesitate for a second. One of my clients, her name is Sonja, was someone I really wanted to involve in this project. We have a very good connection, and even though she was very insecure she said yes. We practiced the tour for three days in a row. Every time something went wrong, she had this little voice in her head telling her that she couldn’t do it , that she wasn’t good enough. I tried to be the other voice telling her that she could and that she was good enough. It’s a big deal to share your story in front of such a group of strangers. During the first tour I stood right by her side to make sure she knew she wasn’t on her own. For addicts or ex-addicts, it’s not easy to make new friends or to attend social gatherings. When you have been addicted to heroin for 25 years it’s hard to engage in small talk. I try to remind them that they are now tour guides and that they do very important work. It’s work they can be proud of and tell at birthday parties.“ (3/3)

(5/5)“When I finally arrived in Germany I saw so many refugees that I decided to continue my journey. That’s how I came to The Netherlands. Amsterdam was so different from anything that I had ever seen before. People were friendly and they all wanted to help. This girl whom I met by chance near the Central Station gave me a SIM card for my phone so I could call my parents. I have been here for seven months and I have lived in various refugee shelters. It has been very hard without my family. Last week I moved to Delft and I received my permit which means I can stay here for at least five years. Last week I finally left the refugee shelter and I moved to Delft. There is a big technical University where I hope to go soon. In Syria people, most of them children have lost legs and arms. I want to specialize in creating bionic organs which means that instead of having a static arm I would provide them with one that actually moves. I hope I can go back to Syria and help. It’s the least I can do..”

I realize that last week’s stories were different from the regular Humans of Amsterdam stories. I also understand it’s hard to “like” a story that is so emotionally charged. I really appreciate you all for sticking around and taking the time to read these charged stories. For those who missed it, since October, 300 kilometers from Amsterdam about 3000 refugees have settled in to an illegal camp in Dunkirk, known as “The forgotten Jungle”. The fact that these kinds of camps even exist in Europe is madness to me. Besides Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) there are no humanitarian organizations or governments involved. Conditions in the camp are inhumane. Due to the weather conditions the entire camp side has turned into one big mud bath. Access to drinking water and proper sanitary provisions are scarce. Refugees in the camp are fully depending on the goodwill of volunteers who operate individually. To me these volunteers are a ray of hope within these circumstances. Again thank you all for supporting and spreading the word.
– Debra Barraud

“I met her 6 years ago on an online forum for women looking for a sperm donor. I responded her call with: ‘I would be glad to help you getting a baby.’ It was the start of a long and daily email conversation. When we first met we had a beautiful day together walking in a Belgian city. I remember waiting for her train to go back to Amsterdam I held her tiny hands in mine and I knew.. this was true love. I started coming to Amsterdam more often and we got into a relationship. It was a fairy tale. Four months later she was pregnant and the next year our wonderful daughter was born. It was the happiest time of our life. We had a beautiful family and the first 3 years we never even had the slightest argument. Unfortunately dark clouds gathered over our love story. Our daughter kept having problems sleeping at night and there was no more time for romance or intimacy. It lasted for about a year and a half like that. I thought I was OK with that but it seemed I wasn’t. I met someone else. We got into a relationship but I only confessed this to my girlfriend after a few months. She was devastated. Our life became a nightmare. I broke up with that other woman and we stopped having contact. When I came back to my senses, I was full of regret but relieved I ended the affair. I knew I had made the worst mistake of my life and I was so happy that our family was still together. As I was looking at my girlfriend, I got tears in my eyes. I realized what an exceptionally beautiful soul she really is. I felt something I never though was possible, I wanted to marry her. I wanted to devote myself to her and to our child for the rest of our life but she couldn’t get over it. She kept becoming very emotional and losing control over her emotions. It went from bad to worse. She couldn’t take it anymore and begged me to leave her. I was devastated. I went into a deep shock. I couldn’t stop shaking and trembling anymore. The first days I barely ate or slept. I cried my heart out, I was torn apart. For months I have been crying and shaking and suffering. 14 weeks have passed and still I wake up every day shaking. I have never had these feelings so I don’t know what is happening to me. I keep having this fantasy in my mind that she will forgive me and that we will restore our beautiful family. She keeps saying that it won’t happen. Playing the violin on the streets helps me to distract my mind. When I see all those kind smiling faces passing by my heart is able to let go for a while and sometimes these difficult feelings no longer have a grip on me. Although many people tell me I’ll get over it, I feel this time I won’t. She has always been so kind to me. We really were a wonderful family. The weight of guilt and regret for what I have destroyed is just too much. I am broken.”